6 Life Lessons from 2019
My two best friends and I have a group text thread which is, admittedly, about 80% operational. When is someone coming over? We’re running late. See you soon. When are we meeting?
But lately, as life has gotten more hectic and our ability to get together diminishes, the conversation has swayed to deeper topics, things that we normally reserve for our mornings when we see each other in person. Early this month, we began chatting about what values our society teaches us about success, which got us talking about some of the things that I eventually saw as themes in this past year.
This is my fifth year writing my end of year reflections, and I’ve begun to see a trend in the way that my life has aligned to my values: people over process, and small investments to change the trajectory of a life.
#1: Sacrifice your time for your family.
Of the things I accomplished this year, the two most important ones to me were sacrifices of time for some of the most important relationships in my life. I was able to open up my home to a family member for a period of time, and while that was stressful, I knew that it would be a blessing.
Similarly, I was able to spend an extended period of time doing childcare for another family member, which was an incredible blessing for both of us. I was able to spend a lot of time with a small child, which helped uncover the simple wonders in life for me, and my family member was able to spend time focused on her other child.
When it comes down to it, the reason this matters to me is that it reflects my values. By making the time for this, I invested in my family in a way that was both authentic and respectful of my own boundaries.
#2: Make small personal investments over time.
In my conversation with my two best friends, I came to the realization that this is actually a superpower. Instead of big, grandiose goals (which I do have), the path to long term success is actually paved with incremental investments along the way.
For instance, my health comes one workout at a time. I think of it as a bank; every short workout or a healthy meal is a nickel, and every long workout and full night’s sleep is a quarter. Over time, I end up earning interest in these investments and reap the reward of health. Other things also fall into this category: building a personal brand, volunteering, and mastering skills.
Similarly, small movements toward big goals pay off eventually. I often invest in multiple goals at the same time, with the expectation that they will land eventually. I also try to do a number of other things incrementally, from craft projects to tidying around the house and decluttering.
#3: Reflect on a regular basis.
In the same conversation, I realized that the investment I made to stop and reflect on a regular basis is also a superpower. Many people around me live in a place of unprocessed emotions, without intentionality, and swayed by circumstances around them. And while there have been certain times in my life where I’ve needed to ditch my regular reflection practice to do something more important (like sleep or exercise), I come back to this as a thing to remember to do, because it helps me to focus my limited time on things that matter to me.
#4: Breathe in the midst of chaos.
This fall registered as one of the most chaotic in recent memory. Between a family member living with me and the related housing crisis (now resolved), a health scare with one of my cats (she’s fine now), a sudden and unexpected death of a friend, leading a conference, and landing the biggest feature of my career so far, it was all that I could do to keep the basics together.
In the middle of all of this personal chaos, all I could do was to accept that this was life at the moment, and take the time to breathe and do self-care. By ensuring that I remained calm and focused, I was able to survive the fall with my sanity and health intact.
#5: Show up, especially in crises.
I was preparing to lead music at a conference when I learned that a friend of mine was in a major medical crisis. Due to my role at the conference, I was unable to make it down to say goodbye to her before she passed away. Afterwards, I was waffling about whether or not to go to the funeral, which was out of town.
Finally, I remembered an old column I’d read that said that if you had a choice between going to a wedding and a funeral, you should choose to go to a funeral, as people would be less likely to notice your absence when they’re celebrating than if they’re in the midst of the worst days of their lives. I also questioned my motivations for not going, and realized that it was my own fear of discomfort.
I realized that the biggest gift I could give to my friend’s family was to simply be there, to show up and embrace the discomfort in order to be present for a part of my extended community. I had no regrets about going afterward, as I was able to connect with people by simply showing up.
#6: Engage in conversations outside your comfort zone.
2019 was also a year of engaging with people outside of my immediate circle, whether it was at larger events, events outside my region, or with people on social media. Some of the ways that I’ve been able to bridge this gap is just to embrace the awkwardness of initial meetings and be open to what others are interested in.
I’ve made time to have coffee with complete strangers, taught clinics at schools that weren’t my own, met up with people at conferences, showed up at social events where I knew almost no one, led a study group of random people, and had a number of wildly interesting conversations as a result. By stretching myself in these ways, I’ve been able to broaden my social circle, hear stories I wouldn’t have otherwise had the privilege to hear, and form communities around me.
These particular lessons seem particularly poignant in a season where online conversation seems to be pushing the definition of personal success to overwork, career advancement, and lack of boundaries. As we enter into 2020, I have to remember that these things pale in comparison to the things that really matter in life: the communities that surround us, and the ability we have to connect to the people who form it.
“A little girl giving her mom an apple. An apple in a toddler’s hand” courtesy Ivan Radic, licensed under Creative Commons Attribution Generic 2.0.
“Piggy Bank” courtesy Pictures of Money, licensed under Creative Commons Attribution Generic 2.0.
Elaine is a product manager at Adobe. You can find her on Twitter at @elainecchao. All statements in this essay are her own and do not reflect the opinions of her employer.
