7 Life Lessons From 2015

It’s been a long couple of months since I’ve last blogged, so I thought it appropriate to put down some thoughts on this past year. 2015 was a surprisingly tumultuous year for me, but it was also significant in a number of ways. Here are some things I learned:

#1: Make big goals.

I started out 2015 by finishing up a large creative project: the Creativity Scarf. This was a large goal that I had put in place for myself, and I pushed myself not only to make the scarf a reality, but also to make the film as good as I could make it. I learned a lot, learned some best practices, and discovered a lot about myself in the process. I didn’t know if it I was going to make the deadline, but I set a goal for myself and worked toward it, full steam ahead.

I also had a similar feeling when submitting to a science fiction anthology early in the year. What ensued was a surprising opportunity to learn more about publishing and writing as a craft. Not only did I learn a lot about myself and my writing process, I also learned that I had something valuable to bring into a collaboration. The anthology will be released in the coming months, so stay tuned for more information on that.

#2: Invest in new relationships.

Some of the most enriching experiences I’ve had this year were with people who I had met in 2015. I met four strangers in a women’s group at the beginning of 2015, and now I have four new friends — older women whom I would not have met otherwise — who journey with me through life and give me the perspective and support I would not have gained had I not met them.

I also developed friendships with coworkers that have blossomed with the investment of time and energy. I met up for coffee with one of them a couple of days ago, and he paused in the middle of the conversation and said, “Wait, did we only meet in February?” I shared the sentiment — it really didn’t seem like we had only known each other only a few months.

With every new relationship comes new challenges, but also new blessings. I highly recommend the practice of getting to know new people on a regular basis.

#3: Invest in old relationships.

If there’s one thing that’s gotten me through this year, it has been the love and support of people I’ve known for ages. There are the college pals who I see a couple of times a year. Former coworkers. The a cappella musicians from 20 years ago who stop by when they’re in town or are down for getting together for coffee. My former roommates, with whom I get together once or twice every month. The friends I’ve known for over 20 years. My martial arts friends, some of whom I’ve trained with for almost 15 years. My family.

These people give me the depth of relationship that I could only dream of 20 years ago. Honestly, 15 years ago, I didn’t know how to do relationships. Now, I’m not only reaping the rewards of a deep community, I rely on them.

#4: Tell people what you want.

This is one lesson that was very hard to learn. I remember my mom telling me early on in my career that if I was faithful and did well, that I would be recognized and promoted. Years later, I’ve realized that in order to get what you want, you need to tell people about what you really do want. People can’t read your mind.

#5: Take the time to reflect on how you feel.

My journal has become a place to evaluate exactly what it is I’m feeling and why I’m feeling it. It’s been a practice that I’ve had in place (on and off) for almost 20 years now. While I never plan to read back, the simple act of writing has given me the opportunity to really reflect on how I feel. And one other lesson I learned about it is that all emotions have a reason and have a place. By living in a place where I don’t judge my emotions (what a friend of mine calls “meta-emotions”), I can more easily process what is going on in my life.

I also have a set of friends who are particularly adept at helping to clarify thoughts and emotions about tricky situations, and talking things out with them has also given me the space to discover and address my inner landscape.

The thing is, I am a fairly cerebral being and have always put logic ahead of anything else when it comes to major decisions. But this year, I was able to puzzle through the complex feelings surrounding major decisions and integrate them into the process.

#6: Sometimes, s — t happens.

My mom and I don’t really “talk.” I mean, we talk about surface level things, like the fact that I made rice porridge (Mom’s response: “You should add vegetables”) or that I went to Central America on vacation and came back with a couple of mosquito bites and the best chocolate I’d had in years.

But when I came to her at a particularly troubling time in my life earlier this year, my prim and proper Chinese mom said: “Sometimes, s — t happens.” I just about died laughing, because that was the last thing I expected out of her mouth.

But there was a large truth in there. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Cancer. Car accidents. Mental illness. Broken relationships. Death. Things that are not their fault, but somehow devastate them anyway. Sometimes, these things just happen. There’s nothing they could have done to prevent it, and nothing to do to fix it. They suffer. They grapple. They deal.

In a world where we think we have some modicum of control, there is still the element of the uncontrollable. This, the lesson of letting go of control and responsibility, was one of my most profound of 2015.

#7: It’s okay to take care of yourself.

It took a while for me to give myself permission to take care of myself and put my needs first. As a friend, a partner, a coworker — I try to live a life that is giving, no matter what my own circumstances. But that is unhealthy if not balanced out with self-care. Although I knew it intellectually, I had to learn that I should give out of my abundance instead of giving out of a rapidly emptying vessel.

I live a fairly disciplined life, and it takes effort for me to give myself the space to slack off a little bit, get a little less done, and simply enjoy myself in the little moments in life, to laugh and love and eat and create.

Bonus: Sometimes, a cat really does make everything better.

I’ve been hibernating during this winter break, spending more time at home than I have since my last sabbatical in 2012. My two cats have been affectionate and adorable, cuddling close in the early winter chill and just being their sweet-natured selves. Having them close this winter has been restorative, as life with them is simple — food and water, a clean litterbox, and lots of affection. Life with them is always about the moment: what is happening right now? Is it a bird? Is it a warm spot on the couch? Having them pull me into the moment removes the temptation to focus on the long term problems.

I’ve grown a lot in 2015. The lessons I learned were not new to me — they’re things I’ve heard and told others in the past — but these were lessons that I experienced at a visceral level. There were things in 2015 that left a profound mark on who I am and who I will become. It’s been a turbulent year, but it’s also been a year marked with proof of deep blessing in my life.

Here’s to 2016.

Elaine is an engineer at Adobe. You can find her on Twitter at @elainefinnell. All statements in this essay are her own and do not reflect the opinions of her employer.