Making Time for Connection
A few years ago, I found myself in the most relationally desperate situation I’d ever been in. In my 20s and early 30s, I was the center of a number of communities, and saw myself as a community builder, someone who intentionally crafted culture around her. But here I was, suddenly so exhausted and isolated that I counted the number of true friends I had on one hand.
I had considered myself somewhat immune to the increasing modern epidemic of social isolation (even in the midst of the heaviest saturation of social media), but I discovered myself in the situation nonetheless. It was a rude awakening that slowly, through stress and inertia, I had lost part of what had so defined my own sense of self.
Fast forward to today. I’m no longer in the same place, and part of that had to do with an intentional investment over the past two years to both widen and deepen my relationships. Here are some things that helped me along that path.
#1 Make the time for close friendships
One of the hardest things to do in the midst of crisis is make time for anything outside of the basics. There were weeks when all I wanted to do was to sit at home and nest. I wanted to take care of the things at home that I knew were languishing, rest with a cat in my lap and maybe some knitting or a good book.
To break out of the rut, I ended up forcing myself to spend time with my close friends. As a bit of an extrovert, I always felt better afterward, but I almost never wanted to actually go out of my self-imposed comfort zone to spend time with people (a classic stress response). I committed myself to meeting up and scheduled times for me to get together with close friends. I went out and had fun, had deep conversations, and connected with them.
The fundamental issue came down to a value system in my head that sometimes prioritizes getting things done over human connection. I have to remember that making the space for my close friendships to grow and flourish is never wasted time, but an investment in my current and future self.
#2 Make the time for people you don’t know well
It’s tempting to spend all your time with people you know well. Whether they’re your immediate coworkers or your high school (in my case, mid-20s) friends, your tribe can both support and stifle your personal and emotional growth. I try to make time for people outside of my social circle, which makes for some pretty interesting conversations and opportunities to make new friends.
Sometimes, I’ve had conversations with former students or people who are looking for a quick mentorship conversation, and count that as investment. Sometimes, it’s having coffee with a colleague I haven’t connected with in a few years, or a long conversation with an old friend. This past year, I traveled down to Southern California to spend time with longtime friends who I’ve only kept in touch with via social media. Those long conversations about life, creativity, and everything under the sun deepened those friendships and helped me to feel a little more connected.
#3 Make a goal for regular connection
However, no matter what, consistency and balance are the foundations of a maintainable habit. One thing I did was to space out meet ups, especially with people who were looking for a mentorship conversation or who wanted to pick my brain about my areas of expertise. By spreading conversations and connection times out, I was able to look forward to an interesting connection point every week without feeling burnt out by the burden of too much social connection or from too many strangers all at once.
#4 Realize that you can’t be close to everyone
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got had to do with “levels of friendship.” This particular concept used the historical figure of the itinerant rabbi Jesus and his followers as an illustration: 3 besties, 12 apostles (including the 3 besties), 144 disciples (including the 12 apostles), and the crowd (5,000+ at times).
The thought is that it is actually impossible to have a lot of close friendships and still maintain healthy boundaries. In fact, generally the most balanced set of relationships has more intimate relationships (the 3), a group of regular friends (the 12), a large circle of friends you kept in touch with, but not regularly (144), and all of your personal and professional acquaintances (the crowd). The larger the group, the more surface-level the relationship. The smaller the group, the more intimate the relationship, and the greater the amount of time you spend with them.
There is an incredible amount of freedom in knowing that I don’t have to maintain all relationships all the time. Some people come into my life for a season; some stay for a lifetime. But by mentally cataloguing my relationships with others in this framework, it makes it easier to prioritize my time and emotional energy.
As busy as I am, and as crazy as life can be, I have to remember that an investment of quality time in relationships is just as important as any time invested in a business or creative pursuit. By valuing my time and diving into life with others, I invest in myself, in both my personal growth and in my satisfaction in life. For as John Donne penned:
No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main
May I never sacrifice personal connections at the altar of work or for the empty trophy of accomplishment.
“Mom and friend Pat, Bidwell Bar, Oroville, California, 1962” courtesy virgo200745. Licensed under Creative Commons Non-Commercial, No Derivs 2.0 Generic.
Elaine is a product manager at Adobe. You can find her on Twitter at @elainecchao. All statements in this essay are her own and do not reflect the opinions of her employer.
